Have you ever cried after walking past an “ice blue” kitchenaid mixer in Target?

Well, I did today.

Actually, I managed to hold the tears off until I was driving away. But they came, nevertheless.

You see, in high school and college I always dreamed that someday, not so far off, I’d get married. My fiancé and I would register at Target and whatever other stores, I’d be front and center at a bridal shower, and some of the moms of my friends would pitch in to buy me that beautiful kitchen appliance… that I’d eventually place in our cozy apartment or ideally, first little bungalow home.

But the years have come, gone, and continue to cycle through another calendar year. I’m still single- and honestly, I love it (most of the time). I’ve worked a few jobs, made some really wonderful friends (a few even feel like family!) and purchased my first car. Trips to dream places (Utah, Hawaii and Greece, to name a few) have been planned, executed, and remembered fondly. I’ve had spontaneous dance parties, cried in more coffee shops that I’d care to admit, learned how to cook quite a few good meals & am in the process of perfecting my curly girl hair routine. The current home I rent has taught me to mow grass with a push mower, caulk bathrooms, and clean hardwood floors.

It’s been a really beautiful life. I’m so thankful for the experiences I’ve had, and that I believe Jesus has carried me through it all.

But now I’m approaching another milestone that I vowed I’d never reach. I’m buying a home.

Well— let me restate that. I’m trying to buy a home.

Of course, just months after I turned 30, the housing market shifted dramatically. Inflation soared and suddenly there’s a lack of houses to be sold and too many buyers. What I could have purchased 2 years ago costs anywhere from 20k to 50k more….something this single, self-employed gal is not about.

So, here I am. 9 months into deciding to move (unintentional pun) in the direction of homeownership, 4 months into the search, 2 realtors later and 3 out-bid offers down. It feels pretty impossible, honestly, that this could happen. Will I find a house tomorrow? Or in six months? I’ve cried a lot the past few weeks, but I also can feel my resolve & tenacity growing. I imagine in 10 years when I purchase my second home, it’ll feel SO easy compared to this round. But dang, it hurts, too.

And it hurts to walk past items that I’ve put off purchasing because I dreamed I’d receive them as a bride. With a life partner to decorate and decide on which Ikea couch to buy, to help cook dinner, and to call the insurance when the hail damages the roof (because I really HATE making phone calls).

Of course, my Pinterest board has seen plenty of action. I’m thrilled that I don’t have to argue over rugs and paint colors with someone else- because I have ideas of what I like, too. ;) But this process… it’s been a struggle.

I’m growing and learning and that’s been so great. Some days are easier, this one was harder. I’ll keep on moving forward, but today I had to stop and cry, and write a little bit.

written Monday, July 11, 2022 and posted later